Shining the Light on Abuse

By Christiana McPherson, LCSW, LMSW, ThB

“I just never really thought of how he treated me as abuse. I mean, he didn’t hit me or anything, so many people have it so much worse than me. I never really thought of this as trauma, it’s just how we’ve lived our lives. He says I’m just emotional, maybe I’m making too big of a deal out of this.” As I listened to my client share her feelings with me of the emotional, financial, and spiritual abuse that she had endured over her 40 years of marriage I was struck with how quick she was to minimize her own pain when she held it up to the comparison of others. This is a common theme that I have seen in my years of working as a therapist; my clients often come to therapy with hesitation, they know that something is wrong, they want to feel better, but they’re unsure of where to start. This topic of the cycle of abuse is not a new one but I do think it is an important one to bring to the light.

In my years at the domestic violence agency that I worked for, I saw the gambit of what domestic violence, abuse, and trauma can look like. From the well put-together career woman who came to our shelter in her business attire and nothing else (having fled from her abuser and able to escape under the guise of going to work) to the mom of 5 children who brought her infant to her outpatient counseling sessions because her partner would not allow her to utilize childcare (because she was a stay at home mom and “caring for our children is your ministry,”) to the man who utilized our legal advocacy department as he worked to gain custody of his children from his abusive partner. In my earlier years, I was surprised by how my preconceived notion of what abuse is, was challenged with each client.

Abuse is not discriminatory; it occurs in relationships of all ages, faiths, and socio-economic demographics. It occurs in hetero and homosexual relationships; love is love and abuse is abuse. It effects both men (1 in 9) and women (1 in 4) and to the uneducated and the exceptionally educated. And, it takes on many forms, including physical, emotional, sexual, financial, and spiritual. As mental health professionals, we learn about this in our graduate programs and may even take a class or two on domestic violence but what we learn in classrooms and what we see portrayed in the media or even among our friends and family is very different. So how do we bridge this gap?

In my work as a therapist, I find that my clients most welcomingly respond to having their feelings validated and challenging their own dismissive thoughts. A black eye and emotional bankruptcy are different but equally painful experiences. The child who has experienced the consistent criticism and rejection from their primary caregiver (and subsequently develops lifelong unhealthy attachments) is no less traumatized than the child who experienced physical abuse. Normalizing these ideas, talking about our own need for emotional and physical safety is one option, of many, that we can take to destigmatize the concept of abuse appearing only one way and becoming a safe space. This October (which is Domestic Violence Awareness Month) I challenge all of us to reflect on ways that we can shine the light; it is within and up to all of us to be this beacon in the dark.